It’s Christmas. Jolly good yay. :-/
It’s hard to enjoy Christmas when you dislike most people. I used to love Christmas and I do believe I will love it again.
However at this stage in my life I don’t want to see or speak to almost anyone. If I were to choose and see someone I’d rather see my enemies than most of my friends and acquaintances.
It’s true though that there are people I like to hear from, but I could really count them on one hand. Thankfully most of them blessed my day with texts. 
This is going to be a long rant so if you wanna skip this post, now’s the time.
It’s not that I have something against anybody, as most people would think. I really don’t. I simply feel like being alone, all alone. On the other hand sometimes it does get weird, but those times are few.
Lately I can’t dream anymore… I lie in bed at night and watch tv until my eyes close on their own. I used to have a scene I used whenever I felt bad… I’m going to tell you all about it, next.
I used to put on sounds of nature – spring storm (can’t believe I found the exact thing on youtube) on my player, lie on my bed and imagine I’m lying on a white, fresh linen, bed, in the house of my dreams, on the first floor. Downstairs, my mentor, someone I greatly loved at one point in my life, was baking a cherry pie and the house smelled wonderful. See we’d live there together and my celebrity crush would be living there too… And whilst I were takin an afternoon nap with the lovely sun in the rain caressin my face my celebrity crush would come in the bedroom and take a nap with me (yea, just a nap). And that is about it, always brought me peace.
Now I can’t think about it anymore… Of course my crushes have changed, both mentorly and romantically, but I still can’t think of anything, because even if I managed to bury my pain down deep, when I close my eyes I drown in despair.
It’s natural, after what I’ve been through this year, but I do wonder if my dream will ever come back.
And now I have to break the text with something, because it’s becoming tiring so…
A beautiful sight… I’m currently listening to country Christmas songs. I love country music. I don’t find it to be whining. I can’t help but imagining myself driving on one of those american roads, somewhere in Alabama. Stopping at a country bar and having some pie like John Travolta in Michael. And having a cowboy like Tracy Lawrence asking me if I care to dance. LOL Country music is very nice. Me likee.
What else, what else?
I have recently had my nails painted french and then they somehow got pink. I believe it’s because of my bordeaux jammies. It’s a very weird colour, but I kinda like it. Bygone. =)))
And as I don’t want to write another post today… I was thinking about perception last night. This whole perception thing might be one of the reasons I can’t imagine things. I can’t think about phylosophical questions anymore either. Everything around me seems a subject to perception and the whole thing bothers me greatly.
Where will I find the thing again? Nowhere for sure. You find a thing like that once every hundred years. Or maybe not. But why do I need to find it anyway? Is it a need or a pleasure. Why do I think like this? Why do I need the thing anyway?
These questions are killing me. I simply don’t want to think about anything anymore. Technically speaking we don’t need many of the things we think we need. Yet we’re acting like spoiled brats and kick the floor until we get our toy. And then we don’t even want that toy anymore, because it was just a question of following your other head. How lame are we? No, not I, we.
Anyhow, onwards and upwards.
I have recently realized that I tend to hurt the people who care about me and some of the ones I care about. I have no intent of doing so, yet this year completely changed me. At one point I felt like the thoughts banging in my head weren’t even mine. On the brink of madness. I might’ve even written something about this a while ago. It was a very awkward situation which made me understand that even the things I believe in aren’t real. For all it takes is one screw too loose and your whole views on life can drastically change.
I find that to be very sad and another reason for which I can’t dream anymore.
People are unstable. They’ll always be this way. It is very sad that one person with whom you’re having a totally amazing relationship can radically change one day and it may not even be their fault. Just another screw too loose. And again I raise the question… If X wouldn’t be X, would you still love them? If red wasn’t called red, would you still call it that way? I think not.
That’s why I am taking everything one moment at a time these days. “The moment we’re living is now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now. ” You have no idea what could happen tomorrow. NONE whatsoever. Nor can you feel the moment you’re currently living more than you already do (unless you’re using something, which I’m not lol). Nor will you stop fighting with your loved ones, even if you are totally aware that they won’t be there forever. You just won’t. Because you don’t. And you can’t. “That’s the way it is.”
And I can’t help but wonder if the words (which hurt people) I’m using today are really my words or they’re just the reaction to a larger pain than I could take. Or if I were too much of a coward to say them before. I don’t know. That’s why I’d rather not speak to anyone these days. Because I just don’t know.
I do nawt desire to hurt anyone therefore I will shut up. I have let most people know that so if they choose to speak to me they do so at their own risk.
Does it sound cuckoo? It may. However it’s just human. People change.
I now wish I would study more psychology and probably will do so. I’d like to understand myself better.
And on another note, last night I imagined I’d spend Christmas in a land where Christmas decorations and goodies are everywere… A land where men like Hercule Poirot walk the streets with their canes and moustaches. Where respect for your fellow men and the world you live in is mandatory. Where chipmunks speak. In “You’ve got m@il”. In “Jingle all the way”. In “Michael”.
Though I grew up with american movies and I’m totally into that I have never felt the need to try and move there. I like dreaming about the country music, Graceland, Nashville. About southern peeps saying shugah insteada sugar. 
The “greener pastures” are within yourself. Don’t settle for less, but know that what you settle for is completely at your command. Easier said than done, huh? 
I’d like to work for Starbucks. I don’t want to ponder the meaning of truth. I just want to be.
I think I’m done for now. Might come back with take II at some point…
Meanwhile… May y’all have a Christmas as you wish.
p.s. Apologies for any mistakes in the text (think “the loose screw” might not be correct lol)
Who am I and what does it matter ? It doesn’t really except for my perception of who I am and then it will no longer exist at all (that is the important part.)
What is troubling to me is that so many people are just out there wandering around believing they are happy. Because they have lots of stuff and were taught at a very young age that acquiring stuff is all that matters. Or it is at least very important to how others perceive you. And I guess it is how others perceive you is all that matters. Or at least that is the perception.
I am on a quest to understand this existence. It is certainly so much easier to exist as most others do. You really do not have to think very hard if that is your choice. I don’t mean not having opinions or the ability to think critically. I am referring to not thinking about what matters. What matters and what really only truly matters is death. We will all die. Everyone knows this as ultimate reality but know one talks about it…or at least not very often. Why don’t we talk about it ? If it is the ultimate truth then it is ALL we should talk about. But if that were the case then we would all be destroyed by constant pain and worry.
What has helped me ( but it is an ongoing process and it may seem overly simplistic ) is not that we will all die and are, therefore, on this same journey to nowhere, but that we are all suffering. Yes this is basic Buddhism 101, however, it is so very helpful (at least it is for me.) What I have come to realize is that because we are almost always suffering that there is some perverse humor in this whole thing (meaning life.) To me the whole concept of existence and life and death can be quite humorous. Perhaps that is the hidden meaning of being human. And sometimes the most fun of all is just wallowing in our own pain. I think that is why melancholy music can be such a hidden joy.
Interesting, but I don’t see a conclusion. I like conclusions… Closure…
So we should talk about death… A lot. This has probably been thought before… And people probably spoke a lot about it and didn’t reach any logical conclusions so they understood it’s no use talking about it.
As for the buddhist view… I totally agree to that. Cravings are eating us alive. But without cravings there’s no spark, everything is dull, unless you develop your higher self. :-/ If we didn’t know what pain is we wouldn’t know what not pain (cause I won’t call it happiness) is. However cutting cravings is a choice. And it WILL bring suffering to about 5% of what it can be if you manage to do it the proper way.
Life is extremely simple and people make it extremely complicated. Why should one bother to think about it? Who cares anyway. There is only one moment and that is NOW. The amount of knowledge one can get is a hundred billion times less than the amount of knowledge out there, if not much, much more.
As for death, nobody knows what it means, they all have their own perceptions.
I don’t dig philosophy anymore. It’s just too much for me. I’d really rather be ignorant.