Now I don’t know if this post will be cool, or understandable, but here goes nothing…
Today I remembered the time when I didn’t want to say anything anymore… I still get that feeling sometimes, but I believe everything’s different now…
See, a while ago, I didn’t want to write anymore… I saw no point in it… I had 
far too many thoughts and felt myself incapable of expressing them anymore. There were just too many and I kept on losing myself in thousands of ideas… And I just couldn’t write… Because what I’d write would not be understandable.
At one point I took two major, major hits. And then there was the culmination of my “think, think, think, think” period, I being obsessive compulsive (self diagnosis pmsl). So after these two major hits, I obsessed about them for a while. Obsessed to the brink of madness… The hits made me strong. It’s true, a huge hit does make you strong, but I wish I would’ve reached this strength some other way. And they almost cured me of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (again, self diagnosed). For the first time I started to see things clearly. My OCD reached its peak after the hits, as previously mentioned – bringing me to the brink of madness. And after that, after I managed to make some sort of peace with Liz, which was one of the hardest things I ever had to do (as the battle against yourself is the biggest battle you’ll ever have to fight), I was free.
Sometimes, these days, I still obsess about things, but a click appeared after that state. The obsession is much less painful and very short. And when I say STOP (click), it stops. I can control it. Which is a wonderful thing. Shame though that I had to be thrown to the edge of nowhere, in order to realize what the truly important things to me and my life were.
However I am not saying I have come to peace with myself. I only started controlling, by mistake, a thing that has been seriously affecting my life.
After managing to end the brink of madness state… I realized just how strong I was. I realized what mattered to me and what didn’t. I became able to stop my thoughts a lot of times. And then I wanted to be alone. Stop everything around me, for I needed to find myself again. I don’t know if it’s a selfish need, but it surely is what I will eventually have to do to be at peace with everything.
And coming back to writing… I stopped having 1000 thoughts per minute. My expressing thoughts ability came back. And it came back in a round way… It left when I just didn’t want 
to speak nor think anymore and it came back when I didn’t want to speak nor think anymore. But the reasons were different. When it left I had too many thoughts and just didn’t want to have them anymore. When it came back I didn’t have many thoughts and each time something truly important to me would appear (as I became able to whisk the unimportant thoughts away – which is an extremely important ability and I’m glad I now have it, but I am again sad that I had to gain it in a rough way), I’d know how to express it.
So those were just some observations on how I managed to control my OCD without the help of a shrink and how the fear of the crowded mind became a pleasure when I could control what it was crowded with.
Two other short notes on this are:
When you lose what’s truly important to you, you have the chance, for a longer or shorter period of time, to realize just how unimportant lots of things in your life really are.
Everything does revolve around you, believe it or not, and it’s not an
egotistical thing at all. All your relationships start with you, even if they were started by other people – you were the one who said yes. All your kindness starts with you, even if you’ve been affected by a whole lotta kindness around you, it’s not logical you become kind. Your life starts with you and ends with you. You, you, you… You, my angel, you. Even when you’re madly in love with someone and believe you’re living for them. It still starts with you.
At one point I will speak about what I think of the other side, I think… Don’t know for sure though. Oh and an important note to self: Must manage to gather my thoughts and have a text on Mind Distraction – a huge thing for me.
p.s. I do believe OCD and OCPD are good disorders, to be honest. With the exception of when they affect your life too much, or they start to hurt you more than you can take.
I loved both of the posts you had in this post about your other Liz’s. They kind of remind me of past things I’ve read about judgments, the inner voice, I never gave it a name because the inner voice only seems to be there. We all seem to have it, and it never lightens on judgement until it too realizes its True Nature. That you are indeed that One beautiful Truth.
There always seems to be that question, you believe yourself to be one person but there is another side, and another, and another… so which one are you? This is the most important question, “Who Am I?”
The Answer is in the question: I Am. <3
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, they are honestly lovely.
It is very good that you are working this through by writing. I certainly should be following your example.
I know that I’ve abandoned my blog recently, largely due to being distracted by Flirtbox – something I’ve justified via the larger picture associated with the pursuit of happiness. Somewhere out there is a good balance between self and others, I just have to find it.
Liberatedself – I wouldn’t've given it a name either, if it wasn’t that Evil Liz and Benton weren’t me. I was a combination. And there was a fight between them. LOL If that makes any sense.
I still have to munch on this “Who am I?” “I am” thing.
Thanks for the good thoughts.
Polite gorilla – there’s no balance. Haven’t you learnt anything? Everything just is.
Go with the flow. 
sure that makes plenty of sense!
as long as there is abidance in I Am, The answer will present itself.
Were you able to merge the 3 of you back into 1 or do you still struggle with them sometimes?
I still struggle with Liz sometimes, and Benton’s presence is hardly felt and whenever I think about it, it makes me cry… Coz I miss his everything… Every quality I really need right now and can’t find in myself…
Truth is… I don’t know if there’s 3 of us… I think there’s just two… The evil one and the good one… But I had to create the third one, because just the good one on its own couldn’t fight the evil one. You dig? Of course you don’t dig, coz there’s no evil and no good, but by evil and good I meant psychical pain and psychical something other than pain. LOL
It must seem like I’m crazy, but I don’t have a multiple personality, I’m just playin’ with Benton. But the OCD does seem present through the Evil Liz. LOL