In connection to the “painful sweetness” area of this blog… Maybe I need closure. Maybe it’s time to let go of the past.  I wonder if I’ll be able to let go though. As I said, I’ve just realized that may be the answer to a particular struggle which doesn’t seem to end.

So, mostly, do it like this (but without the death part, just closure):

I know I’ve done it before, with someone else, but this time it’s much harder.

In another world? Some other time and some other place? I don’t think so. It was unique. And it’s never to happen again.

What does the real deal feel like? It feels like a movie. Like the perfect scenario you always pictured. It will never have flaws. The only bad part about it might be you not fitting into it. Otherwise… The real deal will always be the real deal. Nothing less but perfect. Always.

Oh and if you lose it. It will leave you with a void you’ll never ever be able to fill again.  Not ever again.

It’s raining and I miss him. Haven’t missed him this bad in ages. But I’m listening to Belinda Carlisle’s – Heaven is a place on earth… And this song simply says his name, together with the rain outside. I feel like poofing myself. As in getting a magic wand and poofing all around me so I’d make myself all better and turn back time. For all the love, the aromas, the gorgeous rainy mornings, the feeling of greatness. For the dream, for that perfect moment that I totally screwed up. And I’m biting my lip thinking all that greatness must be stashed somewhere inside of me. In one little place. A place that will never be open for visits again. Not necessarily because I don’t want to, but because finding what I found then… Well that’s very hard and highly unlikely. Looking left, looking right. Freezing. Freeze. Right there. Don’t move one muscle. Can you feel it all over again? That precious moment when you were… in love?

Right now I’d give pretty much anything to turn back time. Actually this has been going on for over a year. For different reasons, but even so, in the past two years, there’ve been only two reasons (which I won’t mention right now) for which I wanted to turn back time.  I never wanted to turn back time before.

I miss him. I really do. With all his greatness, energy, goodness and every part of him.

But I miss him in a very good way. It almost doesn’t hurt.  It’s like remembering the most beautiful thing from the past. You’re a bit sad that it’s not here anymore, but nevertheless happy that you had a chance at experiencing something so great. Someone so great.

And it all started with someone at the supermarket who smelled of two days  old musk oil (left open). Funny how one scent can bring back so many memories. And even funnier that I’ve never used that scent with him, nor did he smell like that. But the scent brought back thoughts of misty rainy mornings. One thing led to another and here I am yet again.

And yeah… That’s about it. Sorry for posting once every blue moon. Also if you feel like listening the two songs reminding me of him, they can be found here.

What else? Nothing. I just wish I could carve this feeling into my heart, even if it would hurt having it all the time yet lacking his presence.

And a white rose bouquet… For him. For all the moments he made me feel like Heaven was a place on earth. For all the beautiful things he showed me. For all the times I felt my heart found perfection. For all the beautiful memories. For him never ceasing to amaze me. For him being a prince. For the undying hope for goodness he seeded in my heart. For him granting me the shot at knowing such goodness exists. For all those things and so much more… I love you. In the purest way ever.

I check it every single day, if I can. I secretly (well maybe one or two people know) hope I’ll see his name in my inbox again. I think it’ll never happen. My story with him is long buried, yet still alive. I will never forget it. I managed to push away the bad parts, throw away the sad parts and what’s left is only the goodness… “Oh the pieces of my life, Lord, they’re everywhere, they’re everywhere.”

I still hold the token he gave me. I will never part it. It doesn’t even remind me of his being. It reminds me of his goodness,  of what goodness can exist in a human being, of the fact that dreams can become reality, if only for a moment or two.

I don’t remember him much these days, except for few irregular nights when I find myself missing his goodness. His words. His hugs.

He’s just a human being now to me. A very intelligent and cultured one. One I have  shared my whole self with. One that I deeply resonated with. One that will hold a special place in my heart forever. One that I will always love and most likely one of the top 3 human beings I’ve ever met. Yet just a human being.

Life goes on without him.  Yet his token is always with me. It has become part of me, just as he became part of me. He’s affected my life in ways I may never be able to describe. He was one of the few people who changed me most. And through that, if not more, he’ll always be with me.

And there I went and made a whole  deal out of a little thing. But I had to show just how much this person means to me, before I said what happened.

Eventually one day, after a looooooooooong long time of not speaking. IT CAME. In my JUNK MAIL. Will never understand how it got there, but it came. And… Again… “I could hear nothing, not a single sound on the streets of wherever I was, just the beating of my own heart. I have mail. From YOU.”

So I eventually answered it, because I saw it late. Nothing much said, just bla blas. And then he answered back. In two short phrases.

What was in the e-mails is not important. It was nothing much than day to day things, like “how are you” and such.

And then I didn’t answer. I just didn’t know what to say. All  words seemed unimportant and unnecessary. Days passed, weeks passed and I couldn’t utter a word. I just didn’t find it in myself.

What’s funny though is that… I still check my e-mail. For the same name. At least three times per week, or once everyday (if I have access everyday).

And I do believe I’ll be checking for his name every time I get the chance for a long time.

Why? I don’t know. I really don’t.  It’s not even about reading him, although I deeply missed his words for a long time. It’s just about seeing his name there.

This text most likely has no meaning. It shouldn’t even be here. But… Yeah… Well… The pieces of my life, Lord, they’re everywhere, they’re everywhere.

It’s just a text…

Every single day I find items, thoughts, images, words, smells that remind me of them.

And the missing always ends with a sigh. I’m not sad. Just upset somehow.

“It’s midnight… And I miss you…”

“But I’ve got a heart full of love and memories and that’s enough for me…”

I get so romantic…

Lately I’ve been trying to escape my thoughts. Isn’t it funny that when you drown yourself in work you don’t get many thoughts? Bygone.

Anyhow… Been trying to escape my thoughts and I have sort of succeeded.

But this rainy afternoon… I’m listenin’ to Swing Chicago and remembering the beautiful days. How could you possibly not listen to Swing Chicago? Oh, I know, coz you’re not like me. Sigh. There are few people like me out there. Or at least I have only found one or two so far… And I don’t mean boys. I mean people. And I don’t mean I’m special. I just mean I’m… Well, I… Me.

How can you not like the swinging days?

The evenings when  you’d meet with your friends in a swing c lub and dance the night away?

I wouldn’t be cold if I’d sleep covered in Louie and Ella’s voices.

Happy feet… Dara-da. Happy feet… Dara-da.

How would it be possible for Louie not to make yer heart vibrate?

How will it ever be possible for me not to remember the way you wore your hat? The way you sipped your tea? The way your smile just beamed? The way you changed my life?

It won’t.

There’ll always be mornings when I’ll wake up and remember every beautiful dream I’ve locked. And that’s good. Because someday I will be the person that I used to be.

So swing with me… Swing me to your dreams. Swing you to mine. Swing me to that misty mornin’. And then leave me there.  Forever.

How can you describe the beauty of a thought? A thought you feel exploding inside of you. Flying and swinging up and down your spine. “Whenever I hear that song of mine.”

“How many stars are in the sky, I’ll never know… What fire lights a firefly… I’ll never know. What happens to this heart of mine each time you hold my hand…  Sometimes the things we love the most we never understand.
I never thought these eyes would see an angel’s glow. What miracle brought you to me, I’ll never know.”

It might as well be spring…

I will love you always and, yes, I will be home for Christmas…  “If only in my dreams…”

So meet me at Warwick avenue sometime… And then? Then… I won’t dance…

But I will admire you. From afar.

And, apart from the music… “I hear nothing, not a single sound on the streets of New York, but the beating of my own heart.” I don’t have any mail from you.

And, yes, I will be adding pictures next time, cause now I gotta go.

Remember when I told you to pay attention when you have an avalanche of tears? When you start cryin’ and suddenly it gets heavier because you start remembering everything that’s currently upseting you?

Well the bump was pretty heavy so, with my agreement or not, I felt my eyes getting teary. And then it suddenly hit me (well again lol). I could only think of one single thing. One thing I’ve been desperately desiring lately, but burried the desire so deep that I almost forgot it was there. See I didn’t agree with my desire and choked it whilst infant. So I didn’t really think it was still  there.

And today it hit me. And it was a hard hit. I felt my heart breaking into a million pieces and then coming back together again.

And later on, cause I couldn’t fully cry at that time, another thing hit me. That I’ve been recently driving like shit, due to stress… And that’s killing me. Because I may not be much, but I’m a really great driver. And if you take that away from me… Well, I get really, really upset.

Not much of a story, huh? Well it was for me… I was never expecting the first thing to come back. I burried it so deep that it almost felt like it never was there.

I’m saddened. And I’m trying to bury it again. But with all this crap going on around me… I suppose I have no idea when it will bump me next.

I jus’ wish yet again, “for the millionth and the last time”, I’d get to settle down a bit and every piece of greatness or crap stop affecting me so much. Because they’re affecting me much more than they would if I were at peace. :-/

That’s about it, I think. :-/ I’d say you’re missed, and you probably are, but not that way. However, somewhere in my spine there’s a little spot that’s yours. And when I get hit next… It’ll probably hit me right there yet again. Life.

Today I remembered the time when I didn’t want to say anything anymore… I still get that feeling sometimes, but I believe everything’s different now…

See, a while ago, I didn’t want to write anymore… I saw no point in it… I had far too many thoughts and felt myself incapable of expressing them anymore. There were just too many and I kept on losing myself in thousands of ideas… And I just couldn’t write… Because what I’d write would not be understandable.

At one point I took two major, major hits. And then there was the culmination of my “think, think, think, think” period, I being obsessive compulsive (self diagnosis pmsl). So after these two major hits, I obsessed about them for a while. Obsessed to the brink of madness… The hits made me strong. It’s true, a huge hit does make you strong, but I wish I would’ve reached this strength some other way. And they almost cured me of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (again, self diagnosed). For the first time I started to see things clearly. My OCD reached its peak after the hits, as previously mentioned – bringing me to the brink of madness. And after that, after I managed to make some sort of peace with Liz, which was one of the hardest things I ever had to do (as the battle against yourself is the biggest battle you’ll ever have to fight), I was free.

Sometimes, these days, I still obsess about things, but a click appeared after that state. The obsession is much less painful and very short. And when I say STOP (click), it stops. I can control it. Which is a wonderful thing. Shame though that I had to be thrown to the edge of nowhere, in order to realize what the truly important things to me and my life were.
However I am not saying I have come to peace with myself. I only started controlling, by mistake, a thing that has been seriously affecting my life.

After managing to end the brink of madness state… I realized just how strong I was. I realized what mattered to me and what didn’t. I became able to stop my thoughts a lot of times. And then I wanted to be alone. Stop everything around me, for I needed to find myself again. I don’t know if it’s a selfish need, but it surely is what I will eventually have to do to be at peace with everything.

And coming back to writing… I stopped having 1000 thoughts per minute. My expressing thoughts ability came back. And it came back in a round way… It left when I just didn’t want to speak nor think anymore and it came back when I didn’t want to speak nor think anymore. But the reasons were different. When it left I had too many thoughts and just didn’t want to have them anymore. When it came back I didn’t have many thoughts and each time something truly important to me would appear (as I became able to whisk the unimportant thoughts away – which is an extremely important ability and I’m glad I now have it, but I am again sad that I had to gain it in a rough way), I’d know how to express it.

So those were just some observations on how I managed to control my OCD without the help of a shrink and how the fear of the crowded mind became a pleasure when I could control what it was crowded with.

Two other short notes on this are:

When you lose what’s truly important to you, you have the chance, for a longer or shorter period of time, to realize just how unimportant lots of things in your life really are.

Everything does revolve around you, believe it or not, and it’s not an egotistical thing at all. All your relationships start with you, even if they were started by other people – you were the one who said yes. All your kindness starts with you, even if you’ve been affected by a whole lotta kindness around you, it’s not logical you become kind. Your life starts with you and ends with you. You, you, you… You, my angel, you. Even when you’re madly in love with someone and believe you’re living for them. It still starts with you.

At one point I will speak about what I think of the other side, I think… Don’t know for sure though. Oh and an important note to self: Must manage to gather my thoughts and have a text on Mind Distraction – a huge thing for me.

p.s. I do believe OCD and OCPD are good disorders, to be honest. With the exception of when they affect your life too much, or they start to hurt you more than you can take.

As for my soul? *sigh* I wish I knew it… Maybe we would’ve been good friends.

S*rew perception.

Speaking of which… I can’t help but wonder… Why is it that when you’re depressed or simply sad or negative people think there’s something wrong with you. A very dear friend of mine once said that good and bad are relative. So to all you folks out there wondering if there’s something wrong with yer loved ones, should’t you sometimes ask yourself why are you so happy?  And why is it right to be happy and not sad? LOL Just a question of goodness, huh? Yup… Nevertheless somethin’ y’all could take into consideration.