I sometimes have moments when I realize that THIS IS IT. Do you ever have them? You probably do. It usually happens to me in the bathtub, where again I get most of my quacky ideas. When I just gather some water in the palm of my hand and let it pour out of it. That is IT. That is the moment I’m living then. There’s no other moment, everything else is illusion. Everything else is subject to change, right that very moment… Except for the water pouring from my palm. Except for the candle light. Only something drastic could change those right that moment. They are real and they are there. And that is the second that you’re living.

Your mind wanders off to nowhere land, your brain asks silly questions, your body wonders if it could feel any better or worse, but that is what a MOMENT is.

It’s so clear that it could be caught in a painting or a picture. A MOMENT in time.

And when I get to Warwick Avenue… Sigh… Meet me by the entrance of the tube… When I get to Warwick Avenue, we’ll spend an hour but no more than two. Our only chance to speak once more…

Today thoughts of warmness surrounded me yet again. And it’s gorgeous when you manage to catch that particular state of mind when nothing affects the beauty of a thing. It’s just there. And beautiful. It just is. On its own. And here’s that image again…

Evening news, read all about it, my last philosophical post.

I AM…  one of the most beautiful and ugliest beings, at the same time.

I WOULD WANT… to be able to bring them back, to have left when I should’ve, to have moved forward when I should’ve, to have a bright future, to love, to meet dr. Cox and Michael Madsen, to have a healthy lifestyle, to live where I desire to live, it all to be good.

I HOLD… a memory of some bitter-sweet moments, Sir’s memory, the original goodness, a lost night’s dream, a dream of a bright future and many, many stupid things.

I WOULD’VE WANTED TO… move on when I could have.

I DON’T LIKE… having to deal with hypocrites or people who don’t speak a common language, doing what I don’t wanna do,  myself sometimes.

I’M AFRAID… of death.

I HEAR… “children laughing, people passing, meeting smile after smile, and on every street corner you hear… Silver bells…” And I don’t recognize anything anymore.

I DON’T BELIEVE… The owls are what they seem to be.

I’M SORRY… I haven’t done more for him, I wasn’t an eagle when I had to be and sorry I’ve changed in a way I might never understand.

I LIKE… Sunny mornings, spring, autumn, lots of “things” at Starbucks, London’s streets, hugs, kisses, Christmas aromas, big snow flakes, images only I see, Honda, fast cars, Westlife lookalikes, brainiacs, culture, pool, Beyonce, Elvis, Keanu Reeves, Dr. Cox, Michael Madsen and moments when everything goes well.

I AM NOT… what I would’ve wanted to be till now, but I know I can still become that (like Stephen Hendry would put it). What I have been, but I’m working on it.

I DANCE… when I feel well, when I’m going cuckoo, when the opportunity presents itself.

I SING… When I obsess on a song, when I like a song, and sometimes in the shower. LOL

NEVER… will I give up on the things I believe in, whomever and whatever would like that, and never will I turn my back, without hurting, to someone who asks for my help.

I RARELY… recognize the girl I am today, I hope it’s not too late.

I CRY… when I look inside of me.

I’M NOT ALWAYS… Sure I can make what I want to make…

I DON’T LIKE MYSELF BECAUSE… I’m wrong in so many ways and from some points of view I am weak.

I’M CONFUSED… Lots of times, cause I’ve got problems with my decision making ability.

I NEED… Myself. Want me back.

I SHOULD… Forget everything and leave, but I (can’t) don’t want to. Not yet.

And that is it… The bla bla Naicu wanted me to answer.

Pass on to anybody who wants to answer.

Today I couldn’t help but wonder how do other fast foods exist in the same area as a KFC. Like par example the mall. I mean… I like Pizza Hut and other fast foods (not McDonalds though), but when there’s a KFC in the area we all know the answer… It just pulls you there. And I’ll never understand how KFC has so crappy fries and McDonalds has the best fries in the whole universe… Isn’t there a solution for this, except for grabbin’ the fries at MC and the rest at KFC? The only times KFC doesn’t pull me there it’s when there’s an option of  soup or such around. Anyhew… Whatever… Moving on…

DO you know the light at the end of the tunnel? It’s funny… I have a light. It’s like… I walk around through darkness… And, poof… Once every few days there’s a light. It’s usually the same light, but I’m so glad it’s there. It’s like sending Nicole Kidman to fight Russell Crowe in the Gladiator, as a real life thing, and then poof… For just an hour you’d send her back to her glitzy romantic world (don’t know if it’s really that glitzy or romantic, but hey, you get the point). Why did I write this? Because I’d like to thank my light. It means very much to me.  They’ll probably never read this, but hey… Moving on…

I’d like to… To… I’d like to… So many things. I miss so many things. I want some things… Do you know the feeling called “I just… Just… I just… I… I…”?

I’d like to get back to karate at some point. I miss the strength and wisdom it gives you.

Last nite I had the best sleep I’ve had in ages.

I want to quit smoking.

This was just a bla bla post. Far too bla bla. But I’ll be back very soon with something better. As they say it… BRB

Don’t mind dis post.

1. What do you like doing so much that you’d actually pay to do it?

Uhmmmm… Partying with the brits, shootin’ pool… I don’t know. Was this supposed to be special? As in something that I never do?

2. If you’d find out today that you have only 5 years left to live, what would you do starting tomorrow?

Well move to England asap, no matter what. Then enjoy the british style and fun… And lurve… And uhmmm… Uhmmmm… Oh yeah… Forget everything about consequences, except for the things which are illegal. Other than that… I’d do whatever I want to do without thinking what it will lead to. I’d be much more straight forward, even if I am too much already, but much more straight forward where I’m not. Other than that… I don’t know… I think I’d write a novel in which I’d share lots of my experiences, without giving names… All that I’ve learnt on love, life, success, failure, pain and so on.

3. If you’d win a million euros, tax free, would you continue doing what you’re doing now?

I think so, yeah, most of it… But I would move to England tomorrow and I would probably travel to other places too… And other than that… Yeah… I’d pay someone to design the lifestyle I’m longing for and supervising me until I reach it. Defo… But other than that… No. Not much.

4. 15 years from now, you get a first page title on you, in the most important newspaper in the country. Which is that title?

Liz Madsen (or whichever ) wins billiards World Championship for the 7th time.

5. What would you like your friends to say about you at your funeral?

She’s been amazing… It’s really sad that she’s now gone… She’s the one person we know who’s lived their life to the fullest. We’ll miss her smarts, her funnies. Liz was funtastic. We hope you’re in a safe place now, love.

6. What should be written on your grave stone?

Here lies the human body of a princess and champion.

Beloved wife of XXX (lol)

We will never forget you, love. RIP angel.

(Not much, huh? =))))))

7. When you were a kid, what did you answer when someone asked you “what would you like to be when you grow up?”

A Royal Canadian Mountie. But I like to think I sort of made it to that with some parts of my character, as I’m constructed (again, in part) on the character in Due South, Benton Fraser – A mountie role model.

8. What would you do if you knew that it’s impossible for you to fail in anyway, whatever you do, without a doubt?

Oh lots of things… This question is far too hard…  But to list a few… Discover immortality, find a cure for cancer (although that probably wouldn’t be needed if I were to discover immortality), win some pool world championships, regain two people I have loved most and lost, transform myself into a Carrie Bradshaw kinda chick… And lots more…

9. What would you like your kids to tell your grandchildren about you?

I’d like  my one kid  (I think one is enough) to tell my grandchildren  if they are to have children what I’d tell my kid about their grandfather. That he was the world’s most sensational man. That he had best logics. That he poured kindness out of his heart and was the breath of an angel. And that he was the strongest I’ve ever known, my saviour and my king (on earth, of course).

And I’d also like my kid to tell the gc that I’ve taught them what respect is and that I’ve trained them well for life.

10. If you could travel to the future, to your last day of living, which three questions would you ask yourself in a short interview?

a) What do you think to have been your best achievement?

b) What’s the meaning of life?

c) Who are you?

Wha’ do you know, not much left til the New Year. O ye.