Check it out:

As for the bit the bet’s made on… It can be found here (poor sound though). LOL

It’s hard to enjoy Christmas when you dislike most people. I used to love Christmas and I do believe I will love it again.

However at this stage in my life I don’t want to see or speak to almost anyone. If I were to choose and see someone I’d rather see my enemies than most of my friends and acquaintances.

It’s true though that there are people I like to hear from, but I could really count them on one hand. Thankfully most of them blessed my day with texts.

This is going to be a long rant so if you wanna skip this post, now’s the time.

It’s not that I have something against anybody, as most people would think. I really don’t. I simply feel like being alone, all alone. On the other hand sometimes it does get weird, but those times are few.

Lately I can’t dream anymore… I lie in bed at night and watch tv until my eyes close on their own.  I used to have a scene I used whenever I felt bad… I’m going to tell you all about it,  next.

I used to put on sounds of nature – spring storm (can’t believe I found the exact thing on youtube) on my player, lie on my bed and imagine I’m lying on a white, fresh linen, bed, in the house of my dreams, on the first floor. Downstairs, my mentor, someone I greatly loved at one point in my life, was baking a cherry pie and the house smelled wonderful. See we’d live there together and my celebrity crush would be living there too… And whilst I were takin an afternoon nap with the lovely sun in the rain caressin my face my celebrity crush would come in the bedroom and take a nap with me (yea, just a nap). And that is about it, always brought me peace.

Now I can’t think about it anymore… Of course my crushes have changed, both mentorly and romantically, but I still can’t think of anything, because even if I managed to bury my pain down deep, when I close my eyes I drown in despair.

It’s natural, after what I’ve been through this year, but I do wonder if my dream will ever come back.

And now I have to break the text with something, because it’s becoming tiring so…

A beautiful sight… I’m currently listening to country Christmas songs. I love country music. I don’t find it to be whining. I can’t help but imagining myself driving on one of those american roads, somewhere in Alabama. Stopping at a country bar and having some pie like John Travolta in Michael. And having a cowboy like Tracy Lawrence asking me if I care to dance. LOL Country music is very nice. Me likee.

What else, what else?

I have recently had my nails painted french and then they somehow got pink. I believe it’s because of my bordeaux jammies. It’s a very weird colour, but I kinda like it.  Bygone. =)))

And as I don’t want to write another post today… I was thinking about perception last night. This whole perception thing might be one of the reasons I can’t imagine things. I can’t think about phylosophical questions anymore either. Everything around me seems a subject to perception and the whole thing bothers me greatly.

Where will I find the thing again? Nowhere for sure. You find a thing like that once every hundred years. Or maybe not. But why do I need to find it anyway? Is it a need or a pleasure. Why do I think like this? Why do I need the thing anyway?

These questions are killing me. I simply don’t want to think about anything anymore. Technically speaking we don’t need many of the things we think we need. Yet we’re acting like spoiled brats and kick the floor until we get our toy. And then we don’t even want that toy anymore, because it was just a question of following your other head. How lame are we? No, not I, we.

Anyhow, onwards and upwards.

I have recently realized that I tend to hurt the people who care about me and some of the ones I care about. I have no intent of doing so, yet this year completely changed me. At one point I felt like the thoughts banging in my head weren’t even mine. On the brink of madness. I might’ve even written something about this a while ago. It was a very awkward situation which made me understand that even the things I believe in aren’t real. For all it takes is one screw too loose and your whole views on life can drastically change.

I find that to be very sad and another reason for which I can’t dream anymore.

People are unstable. They’ll always be this way. It is very sad that one person with whom you’re having a totally amazing relationship can radically change one day and it may not even be their fault. Just another screw too loose. And again I raise the question… If X wouldn’t be X, would you still love them? If red wasn’t called red, would you still call it that way? I think not.

That’s why I am taking everything  one moment at a time these days. “The moment we’re living is now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now. ” You have no idea what could happen tomorrow. NONE whatsoever. Nor can you feel the moment you’re currently living more than you already do (unless you’re using something, which I’m not lol). Nor will you stop fighting with your loved ones, even if you are totally aware that they won’t be there forever. You just won’t. Because you don’t. And you can’t. “That’s the way it is.”

And I can’t help but wonder if the words (which hurt people) I’m using today are really my words or they’re just the reaction to a larger pain than I could take. Or if I were too much of a coward to say them before. I don’t know. That’s why I’d rather not speak to anyone these days. Because I just don’t know.

I do nawt desire to hurt anyone therefore I will shut up. I have let most people know that so if they choose to speak to me they do so at their own risk.

Does it sound cuckoo? It may. However it’s just human. People change.

I now wish I would study more psychology and probably will do so. I’d like to understand myself better.

And on another note, last night I imagined I’d spend Christmas in a land where Christmas decorations and goodies are everywere… A land where men like Hercule Poirot walk the streets with their canes and moustaches. Where respect for your fellow men and the world you live in is mandatory. Where chipmunks speak. In “You’ve got m@il”. In “Jingle all the way”. In “Michael”.

Though I grew up with american movies and I’m totally into that I have never felt the need to try and move there. I like dreaming about the country music, Graceland, Nashville. About southern peeps saying shugah insteada sugar.

The “greener pastures” are within yourself. Don’t settle for less, but know that what you settle for is completely at your command. Easier said than done, huh?

I’d like to work for Starbucks. I don’t want to ponder the meaning of truth. I just want to be.

I think I’m done for now. Might come back with take II at some point…

Meanwhile… May y’all have a Christmas as you wish.

p.s. Apologies for any mistakes in the text (think “the loose screw” might not be correct lol)

Oh, it won’t seem like Christmas, oh, without you
Far too many miles are between
But if I get the one thing I’m wishing for
Well then I’ll see you tonight in my dreams

Seems a long time since we’ve been together
It was just about to this time of the year
Looks like it’s gonna be snowy weather
How I wish that you could be here

But it won’t seem like Christmas, oh, without you
Far too many miles are between
But if I get the one thing that I’m wishing for
Then I’ll see you tonight in my dreams

In the distance I hear sleigh bells ringing
The holly is so pretty this year
And the carol that somebody’s singing
Reminds me of our Christmas last year

But it won’t seem like Christmas, oh, without you
Far too many miles are between
But if I get the one thing that I’m wishing for
Then I’ll see you tonight in my dreams

Can’t help but wonder why is it that Hadaway’s song keeps on drilling into our brains even after 323 years since it’s been out… What is lurve? Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no mo. How lame.

I have decided to cut a part of  the post on tv series and add it here because it fits much better.

Check this kind of love out. The amazing Ally McBeal… One of my most prized shows. Didn’t miss one episode and there is one particular scene I’ll always remember. It’s the scene with Billy’s death, which is now, fortunately, available on youtube. I watched this scene like 100 times and I’m pretty sure I’ll always consider it to be one of the most beautiful loves and love declarations ever. I’ll never forget the fact that “In the end, love is all that counts” and “with all of my heart, forever.” I think that deep down, even the most cynical people still feel loves like this do exist.

If you got so far, I’ll tell you a wee secret. Love is everywhere. The only thing killing it or preventing you from finding it is yourself and your conditions.  Don’t set any conditions or standards and love will find you. Maybe not the love you’re seeking for, but love nevertheless. And you will know it’s love.

And, on that thought… What would your best love declaration sound like? Let’s see…

I will love you forever. No matter where you go, whom you’re with, whom you love, what you do. Even if you hate me, don’t want me near you, and if I will never see you  or experience your closeness again.

Even if you’re near or far, if you  will let me love you or not, I shall never stop. Never will you find my arms closed or my heart sealed.

My eyes might forget you and my heart may take a while to recognize you again, but somewhere deep I will always love you.

You cannot stop love. You can stop bodies from connecting, you can run, you can get as far from someone as you can, but you can’t stop love.

Somewhere, out there, there’s always someone who loves you deeply. Who will open their arms when they see you and never close them until you’re inside. Who will have nothing but good words for you. Who, even if they harm you they’d never do so on purpose. Someone who will thank you for every moment spent with you. Who will protect you and sacrifice for you. Who won’t care if you’re a sinner or a saint, if you’re pure or filthy and they’ll love you just the same.

I believe the ultimate goal is to love everyone like you love yourself. Rather than searching for love you should just breathe it, let it come from you towards everyone. I also believe most of us lack that ounce of faith which would enable us to do just that. But there are people out there who are close and that is simply amazing. And I do believe that if I, a simple human being, am able to love someone that much and never condemn them, then an even greater love must exist.

And I’m saying those words because… Let’s have it… If those people you love wouldn’t be those people, with their qualities and faces and so on… Would you still love them? That’s all standards, advantages and conditions, baby, not lurve.  Pretty hard to dig, I know, but maybe true. Remember the… What if red wasn’t called red, would you still think/say/love it like  it’s red?  ;)

In the end, I’d like to wish y’all as much love as you can take, if not more, this Christmas. May y’all find whatever it is that you’re searching for.

This is just a quick note… I came back from home with lots of information and I shall post some very soon, for all you fans out there. LOL

Meanwhile… Looks like everybody’s favourite keyword for this period is love. Well… It’s gettin’ all Christmasy, with only two weeks or so to go, so I won’t blame y’all.

Looks like the times of Cox, as a keyword, have reached a slump. LOL

I’m sorry, I just had to say that.

This year I can’t say I’m in a jolly good mood. I don’t have great expectations for Christmas, especially now that my dad isn’t here.

Lately everybody wants something from me, but I can’t say that I haven’t had my share of good news this year…

Last year we asked ourselves, on a lovely forum,  which were the best and worst moments of the year. I think that’s a question worth askin’ yourself.

So, as I said, I’m not expecting much for Christmas this year. But today some lovely people managed to sprinkle some Christmas cheer upon me. So I’d like to thank the great people at Starbucks. Last week they gave me an extra free drink of my choice, together with the one I bought, and today they gave me my huge favourite drink for free (that being the Christmasy Toffee Nut latte), ‘coz I’m a loyal customer (I’d like to mention that I don’t have any sort of loyalty card, they just looked at my face. LOL).

And then they handed me an espresso paper cup to write a wish upon it… I have to admit I had no idea on what to wish for this Christmas… Can’t wish for my dad to be with me… And didn’t wanna wish for love, because right now I’m not searching for it. Nor did I want to write “all I want for Christmas is you”, because, on second thought, I realized there’s nobody in particular I want this Christmas.  Then I wanted to wish for Starbuck products, but I thought that would be too bold and useless too, as I didn’t write my name on the cup, meheheh. So I wished for something about “England”, although that’s not yet possible and it should really not happen right now… It’s like being a good employee, one that couldn’t complain about much in their life, and wishing to be The Boss.

But you know what, if I dream a bit… I’d like to own a Starbucks in London. LOL First thought coming after that is… Come to think of it though, there are like 124789978 Starbucks in London, one on every corner, so hello? LOL

Anyhow, I’d really like to thank Starbucks yet again, for making it such a lovely experience for me whenever I get there. Luv ya baby!

Also today I found out a new Elvis Christmas album has been released. It’s called Elvis Presley Christmas Duets and I do believe it’s great! So that’s one of the things on my Christmas wishlist. I just wish the lovely miss Jane Monheit would’ve had a song on the album too. Her voice is absolutely gorgeous and would hug and caress Elvis’ voice in one of the best ways possible.

As we’re on the Jane Monheit subject, I’ll just say I’d really like to be like her. She’s unbelievable! The voice, the moves, the face… She’s just soooooooo great. Here’s a favourite song of mine I haven’t listened to for quite a while now. Abso-gorgeous! I love Mr. Buble too… What a pair they’d make… I’ll say! What are you people waitin’ for, now that Buble is single? Wait though, I don’t know bout Miss Monheit. Anyway… It looks like you two would go great together:

Anyhow, onward and upward… It’s been a beautiful bright day here today and when I went out I realized it will remind me of him for a long time to come. The breezes, the caressing sun, the fresh air… Yeah… Well… Tha’s that.

I had more to say, but I don’t remember anything else now, so I’ll just leave it.

Ciao!

And also a byzantine florilegium… Anastaseos Imera (although this is an Easter chant – hope I got the name right). And I can’t find it on youtube. Byzantine music is great anyway.

I see me and him, in a cathedral. I see him wearing a long black coat. He’s holding my hand, and, in the fresh cold cathedral air, his warmness embraces mine. What am I wearing? I don’t know… A dress from the 17′th century wouldn’t go with the coat, would it? Unless we’re from different times… Right…

Solemnity surrounds us. It’s Christmas. There’s incense in the air.

It’s an amazing cathedral, with little angels sculpted by a great one. And there are paintings on the walls, similar to the ones in art galleries, except they’re paintings of saints.  By great ones…

I’m trembling on the inside, but my face shows nothing. It’s like we’re all made of stone. Yet we are so real…

Later on we go to a Christmas dinner… Like the ones Agatha Christie held in her Poirot novels. With pudding and traditions and everything. And he gives me a gift. Perhaps an amazing brooch or necklace.

And then he holds me in his arms, from behind… And I get a strange feeling that I’ve already been there and that wonderful thought when you realize you belong there.

For that moment when I allowed myself to drift in, as a friend would put it, “what might’ve been” (or maybe “what couldn’t have been”), I missed what might’ve been, again, and I missed him. Amazing man.

Oh well… Christmas is near, isn’t it?

I know that there’s no such thing as “the one”… I think there are “ones”, not the one. I think we pass through levels. We come here with certain born qualities and thoughts and it’s up to us and life itslef how high we’ll take them. And, in accordance to that, there is at least “one” who belongs to every stage. Sometimes you might feel that you belong to a higher stage than you’re at, but, when you get there, you just might not be able to make it because you just didn’t get to that stage yet as a being. Mumbo jumbo? I don’t know. Just some thoughts on a piece’a'paper.

May y’all have a great weekend!

And it of course reminds me of the famous mantra I have created on the same music: Stephen Hendry is so sexy, shalalalala la la la la, Ask 4 more cause he’s like Pepsi, shalalalala la la la la. He’s a champion & a true man, shalala la la la la la la and I am his biggest fan shalalalala la la la la. Shalalalala la la La LAA. And I so wish I’d record myself singing that and then translate it into a chipmunk voice, but I just couldn’t find the right tone on the machine yet (nor have I searched for it more than once, lol). Oh and I strongly recommend the whole Chipmunk Christmas Album (actually all their songs ) Anyhow… Enjoy:

Chipmunks – Deck the halls

Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
‘Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Don we now our gay apparel
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Troll the ancient Yuletide carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Now all you kids at home, on the next chorus
The Chipmunks will sing the words
And you sing the Fa la la’s
Here we go

See the blazing Yule before us
Strike the harp and join the chorus
Follow me in merry measure
While I tell of Yuletide treasure

Alright everybody, altogether now
And here are the words

Fast away the old year passes
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Hail the new, ye lads and lasses
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Sing we joyous, all together
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Heedless of the wind and weather
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Fa la la la la, la la la la

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