Today I’m remembering some Benton Fraser moments.

I used to have the next two tracks on my mp3 player and know them by heart. They always seemed to mix together in a truly beautiful way.

The first one is Fraser’s Inuit Soliloqui (which was a tad shorter on my mp3, like til he ends his speech).

The second is Elvis Presley’s Amazing Grace:

As we’re on the Benton Fraser subject… I also remembered his love connection with Victoria. The beautiful Melina Kanakaredes (Victoria) is the only woman Benton loved in a romantic way.

Here’s a nice video on the Victoria’s secret episode, an episode in which he meets her again after ages:

And to end this remembrance episode, here’s what happened at the end of Victoria’s secret (with dialogue). And I cried for it.

Warwick Avenue…

Last nite I dreamt of being on the seaside… A peaceful sea… And a dog that I loved very much (well at least in the dream – it was actually a dog I haven’t seen since I was in the 9th grade or so, a stray one) was going to die. And someone around was saying something to me like like “Billy, Lassie ain’t comin’ back, you gotta let her go. Let her go, Billy, let her go.”  And then the dawg disappeared into the calm sea. LOL Any ideas? :-/

According to the dream dictionary the ocean means your dream state bla bla and if a dog is dying it means loss of a good friend. :-/

But then again, if you were to hear what dreams I’ve been havin’ lately… That’s most easy, in comparison to the other ones.

Heyoeyo, apologies for babbling.

When I get to Warwick Avenue…. I’ll wear a white comfy sweater, have messy hair, and remember the whole thing with a Starbucks cup in my hand. Maybe sometime this summer. Maybe…

May y’all have a bootiful day.

It’s hard to enjoy Christmas when you dislike most people. I used to love Christmas and I do believe I will love it again.

However at this stage in my life I don’t want to see or speak to almost anyone. If I were to choose and see someone I’d rather see my enemies than most of my friends and acquaintances.

It’s true though that there are people I like to hear from, but I could really count them on one hand. Thankfully most of them blessed my day with texts.

This is going to be a long rant so if you wanna skip this post, now’s the time.

It’s not that I have something against anybody, as most people would think. I really don’t. I simply feel like being alone, all alone. On the other hand sometimes it does get weird, but those times are few.

Lately I can’t dream anymore… I lie in bed at night and watch tv until my eyes close on their own.  I used to have a scene I used whenever I felt bad… I’m going to tell you all about it,  next.

I used to put on sounds of nature – spring storm (can’t believe I found the exact thing on youtube) on my player, lie on my bed and imagine I’m lying on a white, fresh linen, bed, in the house of my dreams, on the first floor. Downstairs, my mentor, someone I greatly loved at one point in my life, was baking a cherry pie and the house smelled wonderful. See we’d live there together and my celebrity crush would be living there too… And whilst I were takin an afternoon nap with the lovely sun in the rain caressin my face my celebrity crush would come in the bedroom and take a nap with me (yea, just a nap). And that is about it, always brought me peace.

Now I can’t think about it anymore… Of course my crushes have changed, both mentorly and romantically, but I still can’t think of anything, because even if I managed to bury my pain down deep, when I close my eyes I drown in despair.

It’s natural, after what I’ve been through this year, but I do wonder if my dream will ever come back.

And now I have to break the text with something, because it’s becoming tiring so…

A beautiful sight… I’m currently listening to country Christmas songs. I love country music. I don’t find it to be whining. I can’t help but imagining myself driving on one of those american roads, somewhere in Alabama. Stopping at a country bar and having some pie like John Travolta in Michael. And having a cowboy like Tracy Lawrence asking me if I care to dance. LOL Country music is very nice. Me likee.

What else, what else?

I have recently had my nails painted french and then they somehow got pink. I believe it’s because of my bordeaux jammies. It’s a very weird colour, but I kinda like it.  Bygone. =)))

And as I don’t want to write another post today… I was thinking about perception last night. This whole perception thing might be one of the reasons I can’t imagine things. I can’t think about phylosophical questions anymore either. Everything around me seems a subject to perception and the whole thing bothers me greatly.

Where will I find the thing again? Nowhere for sure. You find a thing like that once every hundred years. Or maybe not. But why do I need to find it anyway? Is it a need or a pleasure. Why do I think like this? Why do I need the thing anyway?

These questions are killing me. I simply don’t want to think about anything anymore. Technically speaking we don’t need many of the things we think we need. Yet we’re acting like spoiled brats and kick the floor until we get our toy. And then we don’t even want that toy anymore, because it was just a question of following your other head. How lame are we? No, not I, we.

Anyhow, onwards and upwards.

I have recently realized that I tend to hurt the people who care about me and some of the ones I care about. I have no intent of doing so, yet this year completely changed me. At one point I felt like the thoughts banging in my head weren’t even mine. On the brink of madness. I might’ve even written something about this a while ago. It was a very awkward situation which made me understand that even the things I believe in aren’t real. For all it takes is one screw too loose and your whole views on life can drastically change.

I find that to be very sad and another reason for which I can’t dream anymore.

People are unstable. They’ll always be this way. It is very sad that one person with whom you’re having a totally amazing relationship can radically change one day and it may not even be their fault. Just another screw too loose. And again I raise the question… If X wouldn’t be X, would you still love them? If red wasn’t called red, would you still call it that way? I think not.

That’s why I am taking everything  one moment at a time these days. “The moment we’re living is now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now. ” You have no idea what could happen tomorrow. NONE whatsoever. Nor can you feel the moment you’re currently living more than you already do (unless you’re using something, which I’m not lol). Nor will you stop fighting with your loved ones, even if you are totally aware that they won’t be there forever. You just won’t. Because you don’t. And you can’t. “That’s the way it is.”

And I can’t help but wonder if the words (which hurt people) I’m using today are really my words or they’re just the reaction to a larger pain than I could take. Or if I were too much of a coward to say them before. I don’t know. That’s why I’d rather not speak to anyone these days. Because I just don’t know.

I do nawt desire to hurt anyone therefore I will shut up. I have let most people know that so if they choose to speak to me they do so at their own risk.

Does it sound cuckoo? It may. However it’s just human. People change.

I now wish I would study more psychology and probably will do so. I’d like to understand myself better.

And on another note, last night I imagined I’d spend Christmas in a land where Christmas decorations and goodies are everywere… A land where men like Hercule Poirot walk the streets with their canes and moustaches. Where respect for your fellow men and the world you live in is mandatory. Where chipmunks speak. In “You’ve got m@il”. In “Jingle all the way”. In “Michael”.

Though I grew up with american movies and I’m totally into that I have never felt the need to try and move there. I like dreaming about the country music, Graceland, Nashville. About southern peeps saying shugah insteada sugar.

The “greener pastures” are within yourself. Don’t settle for less, but know that what you settle for is completely at your command. Easier said than done, huh?

I’d like to work for Starbucks. I don’t want to ponder the meaning of truth. I just want to be.

I think I’m done for now. Might come back with take II at some point…

Meanwhile… May y’all have a Christmas as you wish.

p.s. Apologies for any mistakes in the text (think “the loose screw” might not be correct lol)

And also a byzantine florilegium… Anastaseos Imera (although this is an Easter chant – hope I got the name right). And I can’t find it on youtube. Byzantine music is great anyway.

I see me and him, in a cathedral. I see him wearing a long black coat. He’s holding my hand, and, in the fresh cold cathedral air, his warmness embraces mine. What am I wearing? I don’t know… A dress from the 17′th century wouldn’t go with the coat, would it? Unless we’re from different times… Right…

Solemnity surrounds us. It’s Christmas. There’s incense in the air.

It’s an amazing cathedral, with little angels sculpted by a great one. And there are paintings on the walls, similar to the ones in art galleries, except they’re paintings of saints.  By great ones…

I’m trembling on the inside, but my face shows nothing. It’s like we’re all made of stone. Yet we are so real…

Later on we go to a Christmas dinner… Like the ones Agatha Christie held in her Poirot novels. With pudding and traditions and everything. And he gives me a gift. Perhaps an amazing brooch or necklace.

And then he holds me in his arms, from behind… And I get a strange feeling that I’ve already been there and that wonderful thought when you realize you belong there.

For that moment when I allowed myself to drift in, as a friend would put it, “what might’ve been” (or maybe “what couldn’t have been”), I missed what might’ve been, again, and I missed him. Amazing man.

Oh well… Christmas is near, isn’t it?

I know that there’s no such thing as “the one”… I think there are “ones”, not the one. I think we pass through levels. We come here with certain born qualities and thoughts and it’s up to us and life itslef how high we’ll take them. And, in accordance to that, there is at least “one” who belongs to every stage. Sometimes you might feel that you belong to a higher stage than you’re at, but, when you get there, you just might not be able to make it because you just didn’t get to that stage yet as a being. Mumbo jumbo? I don’t know. Just some thoughts on a piece’a'paper.

May y’all have a great weekend!

The perfection of the almond like walls, the almond leather couch, the fluffy pillows and the satin robes falling over the cotton white sheets smelling like spring.
That musk scent in the air… The way every bit in me just wants to circle someone’s soul with kindness and caresses, melting it and then bringing it back to its regular warmness, drawing rainbows all over it… Perfect rainbows, glowing like an aura to their perfection.
And I know I do not deserve this yet, but they’re my dreams and now I know for sure that they can be real.

For a while there I thought I lost myself. Covered up in the guilt of being human, I forgot that imperfections can be changed. I couldn’t think about such things for a long while. But they’re mine. Do I deserve them right now? I think not. I actually have no idea if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for my imperfections which came out far too clear in the moment which was supposed to be one of the most beautiful moments ever. But what I do know is that I don’t want to change who I am (except for the imperfections, as I feel they’re not part of me).

I know that I can be that lady from the 60’s, with the “bootiful” dress and lovely coiffure, bright shining smile and adorable scent. I will be her. I know that I can be that pool player I’ve always wanted to be. I will be.

Or maybe that classy lady in the 1930′s…

Or even the (sampled lol) princess in the 1800′s…

And I won’t let my imperfections stand in my way. Not ever again.

Sometimes it does seem I might not have the luck of running into such beauty ever again, but, by all means, I’ll keep on trying. For I know that is what I want. Not because I deserve it, but because it is ME. And I shall not give up on my dreams of being that 60′s lady, that pool player or that sweetness, because they’re mine.

I will be that eagle I believe I can be. I will be it, even if it’s the last thing I do. It won’t be easy, but it is what I want. I will stand strong and high, where they fly. And even if I’ll never encounter perfection again, I know I will be able to handle it if it happens. I just know I’ll be that eagle, or fight to be it to my last breath.

For the powerful embraces, the soft kisses, the magic of a Sundae morning, the caresses, the soul circling and the feeling of greatness. They’re all so worth it.

And, again, if Elvis Presley would’ve stopped after that man at the talent contest told him he’d better get back to driving his truck (that would be like Liz telling me I’m just not good enough), if Edison would’ve stopped after the 151’st failure to invent the light bulb, where would we be now? Well, maybe someone else would’ve invented the light bulb, but, hey, why wouldn’t that someone be you? But Elvis? I’m pretty sure there’d never have been one alike.

So… Don’t forget your dreams, don’t forget what’s part of you, whatever it is that you feel you should have / whomever you feel you should be. Do not quit. “Quitters never win and winners never quit.”