As they say, ignorance is bliss (sometimes), and I am tired of these thoughts – and will try and stop them for a while.

I will try and drown myself in simple things.. Like a breath, a good word, a sun beam, a good game, and so on.

Quick thought… I sometimes miss the rabbits and birds and wondrous world. Sigh. Fewer thoughts on this lately. The angel said it would happen.

Getting back to the post…

I’ve been dreaming about peace and quiet. About Tibet. I have no idea what Tibet is about or if I’d like it there, but they all say they go there when they want to find peace…

After my kindness experiment, which ended quite abruptly, I desired a quietness experiment.

As I didn’t conclude the kindness one, I’ll share its conclusions now.

I didn’t manage to be kind for a week.

In the awkward and fast days I even forgot of the experiment.

I have discovered that in some situations I just won’t be kind. Heck, there are lots of times when I ain’t kind to myself either so, yeah… I’m probably too egotistical to be kindness itself.

So even if I ain’t kind to myself lots of times and am my harshest judge and worst enemy, that’s my right.

But I’ve discovered I love myself too much to allow everything to hit me.

Somewhere in the process I have decided that I do not want to hurt anyone, myself included.

Therefore if someone hurts me or I hurt them, I’d rather leave, insteada hit.

Even if me leaving causes them an amount of pain, as phylosophy says… It’s for the greater good.

I desperately hunger for quietness.
I totally dislike high tones and sometimes wonder where would this world go if everyone yelled all the time.
Where would it go if everyone would hit everyone else?
I have no desire to hit anyone. Actually I do have the desire, but I don’t want to hit anyone. Does that make any sense?

I might even hate some people, but I don’t want to hurt them.

I just want to be left alone and 99% of the vocal speaking cease for a while.

Some people who love me and whom I care about are apalled by my desire for quietness and believe I’m anti social. LOL

They can’t possibly understand it as a normal desire. Why? Because if you don’t want to see nor hear them, it simply means you don’t love them. How silly… I think.

Funnily enough though, there are a few people I enjoy hearing. Extremely few, but characteristics are:

They are kind. They only speak of pleasant things. They never raise their tone. Their voice pracitcally embraces and comforts you… And again… And again…

Sometimes I don’t want to hear them, because I’m afraid I might hurt them, being somewhat troubled and stressed lately.

But most times I hunger for their presence and the way they bring a world of good.

For the way they never raise their tone, not even when they’re pissed off.

For the way they always manage to hug you, even if they’re not in their best mood, or need a hug themselves.

For each and every way they light up a day, days I don’t even recognize myself sometimes.

I bow and thank them. They should be covered in goodness.

When will my quietness experiment start though? I have no idea… It doesn’t seem to be having a shot on that too soon.

We’ll see.

Shhhhhhh…

Anyhew, getting back to the point… I don’t think the nice project went on too good, but that’s mostly because I’m usually a nice person. So here are my latest news on it:

1. I am always nice to everybody. I somehow believed I wasn’t, but I really am. I am kind, nice, polite, and all that. I never cynical to, nor attack  people who are nice. Not even (to) people who are neutral, or slightly cold. I only attack people who step on my toes, and mostly people who do that on purpose. And not even them sometimes. I prefer to leave than start a fight. But when you can’t leave… That’s where all hell goes loose.

2. The real problem is being nice to people who step on your toes. So that’s what I’m gonna try tomorrow and the day after, for a two day only project, although I’m pissed off and seriously don’t know if it’s going to work. I seriously don’t.

And, yup… I believe that’s about it.  I will probably post another text tonight, on something else.

I am knackered. Today I had so many thoughts and I did write some down in my notebook too. Not that y’all should care about that, but hey…

And I decided to post a short text, although I can barely keep my eyes open and I have to wake up really early in the mornin, and then my stupid puter decided to erase everything… Saved? No, of course not… WordPress usually saves drafts on its own… Not this time too, but anyway… Where was I? Yeah… In this God forsaken town… Well…

Here are some things a cynical one learns when they are being nice.

I swear I tried to be nice and except for a few swears on the wheel (because traffic here is like the worst in the whole universe), that nobody heard, and a fight with a person I fight with everyday which I swear was almost unavoidable, especially because I’m knackered and irritated, I sort of managed to be nice today. So here goes nothing…

1. When you just SHUT UP (to quote on Carrie Bradshaw) you have a chance of hearing things you might never hear otherwise (DON’T READ WHAT’S BETWEEN BRACKETS – although that’s kind of hard for me, cause I’ve developed this selective hearing – as in blocking my ears when someone’s monologue goes to things I don’t care of – which happens very often -, and concentrating on something else. It has its disadvantages though, as it lasts for a while, most likely until the subject has been changed and I might lose precious information, lol, bygone anyway).

2. For the cynical one, being nice for a while is like having a huge amount of coffee for the regular person. You just build up pressure inside until you can’t help but jump around.

3. No special attitudes from people have been sensed, which must be evidence that I’m usually nice to most people (even if I’m nice to some just because I don’t wanna get into trouble or more like don’t feel like it. Anyhow, I dislike fighting against windmills so I just shut up. Closing my ears works just dandy too.)  Besides… It’s hard not to be nice to people, when my childhood role model is this dude:

4. Once a coward, always a coward. Being nice doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stand up for yourself when someone tries to run all over you. So if you don’t stand up, it means you’re rather more of a coward than of a nice person. Because, admit it, you would like to stand up. I’d like to be a vigilante. Sigh. A dream which will never come true I think.

Later edit: WordPress did save some draft.

Don’t see more for now, maybe didn’t notice… However… Tomorrow I’m gonna try and be even nicer and maybe have no fights at all. =))) Also will smile a lot.

So, as I said, I will be back soon with more thoughts. Plenty of time. It’s not like we all die. I will speak of cravings soon. It keeps on mesmerizing me.

Oh and one last thought… I’m crushin’ on Starbucks. Sigh.

And one last, last thought… I have to thank Heath Ledger for throwing the visits to this blog into nonsense. Everybody seems to be searchin’ for the joker these days. Why so serious, people? Kudos!

Yeah well… Thing is there is no thing. Someone can go mad in a matter of seconds. That’s what we deal with here, on earth. Someone can turn from the one you used to know to someone almost completely different. And that doesn’t mean they’re wrong, it doesn’t even matter that their brain is producing some particular chemicals in a bigger or smaller dose and so on. They’ll never be wrong. Because it’s their truth. For them it is the truth. We may consider it bad, but hey… We have our truths too… If our truths are the same as the society’s truths, does that make us better, more appropriate, more great? It just surprises me that there are so many people who think they know the universal truth… Nobody knows what’s in another person’s body and mind. Not even if they tell us what’s on their mind. Sometimes even they might not know, because the brain is not something you control… At least I don’t think the regular person can control it. It can be educated and trained, but completely controling it is pretty much impossible for a person with low abilities and knowledge I think.

I’m also gonna try for just a week to be nothing but patience and kindness, even if it’ll hurt me to do so. I want to see how people react to smiles and kindness no matter what they say… My bet is they’re gonna try and take advantage of me. Because that’s what we do. When we can take we take. When we can’t take we mostly get angry and try to make up a way to take or give up and maybe cry too. I can’t help but wonder though if I’ll be able to be kindness itself. After all it’s just a week. No mean jokes, no fighting, no high tones (althought I don’t do that much either, so I’ll mostly have to cut on the mean jokes and cynical aproach). It’s also sometimes very easy to be unkind and very hard to be kind, just as it is easy to be a pessimist, sit on the chair and say everything’s wrong and it will all go bad, and hard to get off yer bum and try to change bad into good, or at least into something less bad.  Pain is a constant, it’s only up to you how you see and take it.

Hope this made some sense. I will be back at some point with a test on a picture.

“Holly leaves and Christmas trees used to mean so much to me…”

When angels lose their wings, the Heavens weep.

I have promised the angel I’d never use whining to express their grief and sorrow, therefore I trust you to not see the painting as that. Angels don’t whine. Their suffering is stoic and just. A great honor was bestowed upon us and so is their punishment if they shall fail.

When they lose their wings it’s not a question of physical, but of mental pain. Their truth, their whole world colapse.

The painting

There was the angel. Once upon a time they stood strong in the land of the mighty. Now they were flesh. The aura once surrounding their presence easily faded away and they were thrown into a world of storms. Storms they could not control, they could not recognize. They could not bring out the sun to warm up the earth anymore. “And the north wind blew and blew, and the harder he’d blow, the more the man would hold on to his coat, bringing it even closer to his body.”

Their blue eyes once showing the silver lining were now full of tears. Pondering that single moment when they have failed. That moment which made their wings turn into dust.

Now they were sick. Sickeningly human. They could feel all the flaws and the world that was unknown to them until that time.

The face once filled with kindness, now held nothing but grief. Not to losing their wings, but to throwing the truth away.

They realized it was only perception which held everything high or low and that made it even more sickening. For they knew they’d eventually mold into the new world presented to them and forget all about righteousness.  And there was an even larger grief on that, than the grief itself. They’d rather hurt forever and not forget, than comfort the pain.

The pain was well deserved. They knew it and gladly embraced the sorrow as a price for their deeds. But that feeling, that one feeling which made their flesh hurt… It wasn’t their nature. They never wanted to eat the apple. Yet they gave in… And that miserable moment torn apart their greatness.

They would say such sorrow was never known before to man kind but they knew it wasn’t true. Such sorrow was never known to the angel kind.

Lost, in a world that wasn’t theirs, they could only hope that “some other time, and some other place, with love in their hearts and a smile on their face” the other angels would welcome the fallen ones once again and hold them under their wings. Hold them until they’d recover their own. Holding with peace, greatness, joy, and the feeling of belonging. That feeling they now so desperately craved for, in such a humanly way. Circling their presence with a forgiving kindness, which would allow the fallen ones to return to their loved kind.

And that day they fell among us and are now wandering the earth. “Trying to make right what once went wrong.” And with the single thought that maybe, just maybe, someday they’d be back with their own kind.